I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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