you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
FUCK WHALES
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
