That's when you crack a 10am beer
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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