is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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