i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
