When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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