You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
