1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
