I puked a lego.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
