Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
