I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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