Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
