we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
