i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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