It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
