You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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