I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
