I puked a lego.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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