The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
