hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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