im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
