I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just tell him i said nine months
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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