the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
