you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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