Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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