absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
