they need to just BURY HIM!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
