i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
