I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
