so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
