I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
