So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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