neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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