he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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