Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
