angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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