i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Someone shit on the floor
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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