I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
