Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
