i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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