I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
