Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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