Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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