Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
