Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
