omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
