I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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