All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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