i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
