either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
